apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
