I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.