Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.