Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
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I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
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I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.