How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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