in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
