Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
