i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
