I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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