you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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