If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
