The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize