please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
