My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
