omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
