My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
That accounts for only three of the penises
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
