I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just gargled with NyQuil
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
