Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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