ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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