Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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