if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
