a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
