I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
