I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
this hospital has no fireball
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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