I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
