i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize
