please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
