Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
