Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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