We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
