I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
