i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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