I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
