I wanna bring you to show and tell
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
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Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
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His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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