He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The air taste purple.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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