She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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