So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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