I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
