If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
