my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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