I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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