Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
