Yo dont text me then not text me
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
