He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
whose parrot is this?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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