Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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