don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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