There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
