OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
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Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
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Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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