I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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