Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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