i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
