if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
