I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
It's no shave November. This is our time.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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