And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke