1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
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