So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Randomize
