be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
